how to be transparent

Thanks to Katie, I will write part two of my naked reveal of myself, to myself. This is a continuation from part one. An open letter to my 15 year old self from my current 25 year old self. Sometimes it’s hard to flat out say things in black and white that you really didn’t want to admit to yourself much less to others. By writing to my former self in the form of a letter, I can still say all that I want and wish I knew then.

Disclaimer: No names have been used because that’s not my style. Everyone close to me knows my story and I know they support me in my writings. This is only a brief summary of ten years of my life, not focusing on the details. If for some reason, you feel like you’re going through a similar situation and you need someone to listen to you, I highly recommend seeking counsel (or if we’re friends, I don’t mind listening). My journey is personal but I know I’m not alone in it. Sharing is caring.

Dear 15 year old Lucy,

Heeey girl. I just wanted you to know that everything will truly be alright. I know I know, you’ve heard this all before. Life can’t get any worse. You still hate your parents for moving you to Atlanta. Leaving all your family and friends to start all over for seemingly no reason. That’s gotta be tough. But listen, I’m here to tell you that ten years down the line, you’ll be ever so grateful for that sacrifice your parents made and the life that you will have.

On that journey, you’ll have met sooo many different people. You’ll have made lasting frienships with girls you’ll call the Gmail Girls. You’ll know tons and tons of people. In fact, people will say, “Dang Lucy, you really DO know everyone!”. Girl, brush your shoulders off you socializer you. I bet you wouldn’t have thought that with how things are going now. Loner in school. Eating by yourself. Rushing to go home to eat, sleep, watch tv and do homework. Sometimes cry because you just hate Atlanta.

On that journey, you’ll have met maaany men that you’ll have crushes on. And I mean many. You’ll have two boyfriends while in college. You’ll have relations that seem like relationships, just without the title. You’ll have relations with these men that God did not ordain. Oh yes honey. You’ll go through it all. The heartbreak of men telling you to stay out of their lives. Of rejection, physically, mentally and emotionally. Of pushing people away and not batting an eye of care. Of contracting STDs (girl yes! yea um, about being a virgin till you’re married…). Of playing the victim and also the vindictive. Of depression. Of being selfish and never allowing anyone to really understand you because you think they’ll try to use it against you. Of wearing a smile when you’re actually crying inside. Of feeling like you’ll never be good enough because you’ll define who you are by what you’ve been through. Of finally loving someone but not receiving that same love. Of not really knowing God for yourself, but what you were taught to believe yet never really learned or understood.

You’ll graduate college and finally feel free but head right back into that deep dark space called mental captivity. Defining yourself by your situation again. Aren’t you supposed to have all the answers after graduation? Why so blue? That’s life chica. It has its ups and downs. But I can give you a heads up on a few things:

  • Everyday will be a new day to experience and learn something new.
  • You’ll encounter people that will touch your heart.
  • You’ll continue to love despite not feeling it in return. Why? Because love conquers all. Because God Is Love.
  • You’ll learn that your relationship with Christ really is the most important thing. And however you stray from the path you were on as a child, God will continue to call you back home. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. He is the ultimate constant force.
  • You’ll find happiness and peace and will always chase after them.
  • You’ll enjoy all the moments you are given because you know nothing lasts forever.

So hold your head up baby girl. Ride this ride call life to the fullest. Take away lessons from every experience and GROW. Use those experiences to touch the lives of others going through the same things you will go through. Don’t let someone else feel alone when you can be there to lend an ear.

Your future is bright girl. You just don’t know it yet. Be encouraged. I think it’s about time for Aids Walk Atlanta . Yea, this will be your first year participating. Keep doing that. You’ll love babysitting kids too. Oh yea, and you’ll find that you’ll love to travel….a lot. So skip to it young lady. You have a lot to accomplish in ten years.

Love,

Me (really you), at 25