Alrighty, I think I’m ready to talk about the last two years of my life, relationship wise. I am not really one to discuss it outside of my gmail girls and a few other close friends but I hope that in sharing, I can reach to someone who has been through the same thing.
Well, I met someone that really changed my LIFE. At first, I found him to be a little obnoxious but I think that is what attracted me to him the most. In the beginning, it was like the most beautiful dream I could ever be in while awake. You know the usual feelings that come with meeting someone new. Your heart beats extra fast when you see, hear, or speak with them. You get the shakes and faint feeling. You really cannot get enough of that person. That is how I felt pretty much all the time.
We spent a lot of time together. A….lot. My friends reading this know and are probably shaking their heads up and down in agreement because they have witnessed this. I enjoyed every minute of it. At the time I kept telling them and myself that it is “nothing serious”. “We’re just friends.” “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Every time I recounted an event, they seemed worried because I was going into a path that would not lead to a happy ending. They never failed to tell me, “Lucy, you are in a relationship.” To them, the things we did, only couples would do. Now, I can agree.
Back then, nothing seemed to be the problem with our behavior. We were more than friends, we were lovers. Because of this, things began to change. My intuition finally started kicking in. I believe women convince themselves to ignore the signs that something is off. We tell ourselves, “hmm…that doesn’t seem right, but he’s saying all the right things so everything must be ok.” The thing about our intuition is that it does not go away. It nags at us until we make a change.
Side note: Ladies, it is IMPERATIVE to set BOUNDARIES in any kind of relationship so that you do not set yourself up for something you may not be physically, emotionally or mentally prepared for too soon.
The change. Calls became less frequent or came in at awkward times. The phone would ring, or not ring. Returned phone calls came in too late. Just weird stuff. But in my mind, I “did not have the right” to question those things because we did not have a title. Now I see that that was an immature way of thinking 1) because when you are physically and emotionally invested in someone, you have every right to know and 2) communication leads to clarification and understanding.
Well I got my clarification. It was not exactly what I wanted to hear but I convinced myself to live and love in the here and now. Not that that is a bad thing, it is actually an exhilarating feeling. But when you are in love with someone, it is probably best that they feel the same way. Don’t get me wrong. I know with all my heart that he loved me. There was NOTHING he would not and has not done for me. He has helped me to be a better communicator of my feelings. He was there for me when both of my grandmothers passed away. When I did not have food or money for rent, he was there for me. When I had trouble sleeping, he was my body pillow. He was my source of entertainment. He was my superman and my best friend. But in the end, I could not imagine him being all that to me, and share with someone else. What happens when you love someone but that love is not reciprocated?
Fast forward a little over two years to this moment right now. He is no longer in my life. I got to my “I’ve had enough” point and I realized that I deserved more than he was willing to give. I got to the point where I was no longer afraid of commitment and willing to give of myself, like he taught me. I was no longer willing to accept less love in every sense than what I know belongs to me. I tried to have something that God did not set up for me. I did not wait on God by trying to receive love prematurely. But I know better now. I know that I cannot make things happen. I cannot make someone love me. I cannot settle for less than His best. And I cannot stop loving. This is a great opportunity for me to be bitter (LOL) but it would be very difficult for me to hate the very thing that made me very happy. I am still happy. In my mind, he is still the best male friend I’ve ever had. I am sad that we let lust obscure our friendship but I would not want to alter my past. Now I move forward with a clear mind. My past is concrete and unchangeable. My present is filled with contentment. My future has yet to be written. Thank God for that!
P.S. Listen to my song of clarity. “When You Love Someone” by Bryan Adams. Makes me teary but hopeful!
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