If you’ve been following my love posts, it is evident that I’m going through something right now. It’s no secret that I’m heartbroken. Most days, I feel okay. But since I stopped talking to him, I’ve been plagued with guilt, shame and regret. Feeling like yet again, I gave up on something/someone. Feeling like I didn’t do enough fighting/screaming/lashing out. But that’s not me. It may work for some other people but those behaviors are toxic to me. Therefore I never react like that unless I’m truly provoked.
That regret weighed even heavier on me every time I re-enacted in my mind how I could’ve handled things differently. Surely, there was something more I could’ve done to save that relationship. But it was too late. I knew what I wanted and I just couldn’t suffer with the pain of not getting it anymore. It hurt too much. And I’m way too selfish to share. So I’m wallowing and wallowing with sad thoughts and trying to balance them off with happy memories when…
I came across postings by Tiny Buddha in my google reader. I promise you, the first three posts were specifically for me. You ever feel like people just don’t get it, so why bother explaining? Yea, that. But those posts said exactly how I was feeling. I’m not even going to paraphrase. I’ll just post the most poignant sentences. Hopefully my sharing will help someone else feeling a little heartbroken.
Suddenly, I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t my old relationship. I wanted to feel good, and until that moment I assumed I needed to be in that relationship to do that.
There’s something incredibly empowering about realizing that what we really want doesn’t require us to cling to specific people and things—that we can experience the feelings we want over and over again in different relationships and circumstances.
Suddenly, the world seems more expansive and individual losses seem less catastrophic, because we know that no matter what, all is not lost. We can and will feel happy again.
But loss is undeniable part of life. Embracing that means realizing that every time we let go, we make room for something else. All is never lost.
Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” -Eckhart Tolle
We are not the beliefs that we, at one point, decided serve and protect us. We are not the thoughts that, if we’re honest, only cripple us. We are not the sum of our internal workings.
Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us. It will feel like a sort of death—like acknowledging there’s something wrong with us, and the only way to find happiness is to essentially rid ourselves of ourselves.
Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.
We have the potential to become anything—in fact, if we learn to let go, we will never stop becoming. But that means we need to want presence and happiness more than we want to cling to the past and our pain.
I know that was a lot, lol, but it was EVERYTHING I needed to read. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.