Since I gave away my virginity at 20 years old, I’ve been battling with the idea of sex and regret. I used to think I would wait until marriage. Not seriously though. It was just the thing to say. But growing up, I had this weird feminist mind set so it kinda didn’t matter because I didn’t take guys seriously enough to even consider sex. But after I gave it away, I felt pretty empty. Like well, that’s it…do I go grab a bowl of cereal? Was there supposed to be fireworks? Fanfare? If there was, it didn’t happen for me. And it really hasn’t happened six years later.
I’ve come to the realization that when it comes to sex, I am weak. Not weak as in I’m always after it. Weak as in I won’t stop it from happening. I can count on one hand the times I’ve asked to have sex. I never wanted to have the blame put on me, if any accusations were to be made. No one could say, well, she wanted it. Mmm, not really, I just went along with it. Which to me, is worse.
At 26 years old, I had to stop and ask myself some serious questions regarding my sexual behavior. Patterns that seemed to happen the same exact way with different men. Surely, after the third time, one would have to stop and think, “it’s ME, not them”. And it was me. I now believe that God placed roadblocks in my sexual life that I literally jumped over to ignore, until they smacked me in the face via doctor’s visits, dreams and blatant disrespect. And I couldn’t (and still can’t) blame anyone but myself.
One year ago, I wrote a letter to my 15 year old self expressing all that I would experience in ten years. A good chunk of it was mainly about sex. My, how times changed. That’s when I realized that I really needed to do something about this problem. So many times I’ve tried to give it up and failed. I did realize though, you can’t give up sex if your partner is not willing as well. You will battle on your own and you will lose.
Many times I’ve attempted celibacy and failed. After listening to the dating series by Pastor Andy Stanley called The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, I decided to give it another try and focus more on what I will gain and not on what I was missing out on. It has been an interesting journey these past few months. It’s funny how much clearer you can see deception when lust is not clouding your judgment. And not to say that this is an easy road but it sure is a whole lot cheaper (physically and emotionally less taxing).
The decision to be celibate (again) is the reason I feel more confident in speaking to young women about the decisions that women make involving sexual activity. It is the reason I feel compelled to educate young women and girls about sexual health and protecting themselves. And thanks to the new Affordable Care Act, all women will be able to get the proper preventative care services. No longer can we blame anyone else for the decisions we consciously make regarding our sexual activity.
Is celibacy for everyone? It sure as hell isn’t for me but it’s the discipline I need in my life right now. If you’ve chosen to have sex, take control of your body. I’m so tired of hearing the HIV rates in Black women increase. We’ve got to protect our bodies (and our hearts).