this chat is brought to you by myself and a spirited Cancer friend…and the letter E, for emo. warning: mature language below.
me: do you find it hard to reel in emotions, as a Cancer?
friend: …as i’ve gotten older and a little better at understanding myself, i think that i go thru a wide range of emotions very fast, and if i’m not careful, they may all come out at once
friend: i find that i have to make a conscious effort to look at things logically rather than emotionally, but on the flip side my intuition (which may not be purely emotion based but plays a part).. my intuition hardly EVER is wrong. I may be really mad at something, but laugh and make a joke about something else then a little later cry about some completely different situation. BUT i’ve learned that i dont have to make excuses for my emotions. If something hurts my feelings or upsets me, that’s just what it is and I shouldn’t feel bad about that. some ppl who are overly emotional or sensitive prob shouldnt take that stance but i think it works for me
me: i think….growing up as someone who has always bottled emotions, dealing with them at this point in my life is a huge challenge. i’m like what the fuck is this??? TEARS??? what am i supposed to do with this?! i’m totally undone. and for no real reason other than i’ve bottled things in for so long. like i legit have tears in my eyes right now. why? because i wrote the word ‘tears’.
friend: i’m a bottler too actually. I mean I cry, but actually going in depth about my issues as they develop, i suck at that, i dont think its good to be a bottler, but i also think you should be selective on who you open up to. some people will judge you if you’re too transparent and i hate that, i also hate when you open up to ppl and they stare at you and act like they’ve never been thru what you’re going thru. even though you know for a fact that their situation was the same if not worse but they look at you like you’re a poor unfortunate soul, i cant.
me: that’s kinda heartless. i’ve acknowledged a few years ago that it isn’t good to bottle things in. i’ve allowed myself to “feel” and it’s an interesting experience to say the least. i just need more control over them. or maybe i can just read my damn tattoo and let it be.
friend: please feel. i strongly encourage it actually. i think more people should feel. be vulnerable and feel comfortable in that vulnerability. you should never have to apologize for your feelings, they’re yours and you’re grown
me: it’s just foreign territory. but i’m learning to accept it
friend: please do. i mean we all have to learn the other side of the fence. I bet you try to look at things logically. thats foreign territory to me! but i think its beneficial to everyone involved when i take that extra step and say “hey, emo girl WANTS to burn this bitch to the ground, but LOGICAL girl should prob just tell him ‘hey i saw all those hoes in your phone, i’m leaving’ ” see, it works. i say that to say, if you explore the other side of the fence, it’ll open up more options for you… i think
me: lol!!! emo girl is funny
friend: welll, what are you gonna do about your bottled up emos??
me: i’m just trying to figure out how to put them to good use without letting them consume me. cuz right now, i’m drowning.
friend: i would suggest writing but you already do that… i think you need something physical then, like exercise or kick boxing or something. something extremely physical, but not like sex.. trust me, i’m a doctor.
me: LMAO. it’s what i want tho….but i agree
friend: have you been feeling like this for a while, or does it feel like it all just got dumped on you at once or was it gradual?
or is it something that you’ve just always had and now you wanna free yourself! ”Free your mind and the rest will follow” thats the realest shit she dun EVA SAID
me: lol…just the last two years.
friend: I get that. Well to get different results you gotta do things you’ve never done before. Something substantial. it may be hard but it may just be what you gotta do
me: yup. all that i’ve realized. it’s just weird. but i’m evolving!
friend: good! thats the great part about life. growth and change!
me: hey. do i have your permission to use some of this conversation in a blog post. i won’t reveal your identity. i can call you a “spirited Cancer”
friend: lol absolutely!
So here’s the deal. For the past two years I’ve felt like I’ve completely lost control over my emotions. Not everyday. Maybe once every other month. It all depends on my diet, my relationships, movies I watch, and music I listen to. On those days, I wake up feeling like
Ron Burgundy. Actually, I’ve never cried like that but it’s only a matter of time because I’m literally a time bomb waiting to explode.
I guess I can say it all started when I decided to love fully and completely a few years back. Everything went straight to hell from there. Kidding…but not really. Fast forward past heaven and hell and into this present moment. I just can’t. How does everyone deal with emotions on a regular basis??? I see babies and old people, I tear up. Happy movie, sad movie, I sniffle.
Books I read, waterfalls. Love, I’m a mess. But you’d only know these things about me through this blog. I would never show it in public.
“Spirited Cancer” says I should continue to feel but this is dreadful. Or maybe it would be some kind of wonderful if I had more control. Fuck. Maybe this is just the way life is supposed to be. If so, I hereby concede to my emotions for today. So here’s how I’m feeling. I woke up this morning and my president was still Black. Today I also celebrate my thirteenth anniversary of living in Atlanta. I just ate hot wings for lunch and licked two out of five fingers. I may not exactly have a hold on my emotions just yet but hell, I’m gonna ride this bitch out.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” -The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It was right before bed when I first heard Janelle Monae’s song, Q.U.E.E.N. I thought to myself, “what is this noise that I am I listening to right now?” By the second and third listen the next day, I finally realized how perfect it actually was. Oh yes, Miss Monae brought it with the funky beats and hip-hop slash gospel tones. But more than that, her lyrics spoke to the very thoughts I’ve been mulling over for quite some time. It was at that moment that I decided to reclaim my Queendom. I decided to reclaim the respect that I feel I’ve lost along my way.
