About three months ago, I stopped talking to someone very dear to me. When evening came and I attempted to sleep, my heart began to race. You know, like I just ran a marathon or was about to be approached by zombies. Of course neither of those situations were the case.
It hit me: I just stopped talking to the only person I’ve remained in constant contact with.
PANIC MODE INITIATED.
I was terrified. Who the hell was I going to watch TV with and laugh with and make fun of celebrities with?! Who would I make future plans with? Who would get on my nerves now?? I wasn’t thinking about anyone I no longer spoke to; I could only think of the immense void I felt after losing someone I deeply cared for. And for the next few days, my heart would pound loudly as if it would jump right out of my chest. After casually mentioning it to a friend in the medical field, she encouraged me to see a doctor. Of course I didn’t want to being that I no longer have health insurance but those nights frightened me. I didn’t know if I was dying or what.
I went to the doctor and explained my symptoms. She asked me if I experienced anything recently and I told her I ceased communication with someone I previously spoke to everyday. She looked at me and said, “well, that could be the reason.” I wasn’t here for her guesses, though. I needed to know if I was experiencing pre-death or something. She hooked me up to an EKG and the results showed that my heart was fine. She prescribed me with Xanax and sent me on my merry way. A few days later, that friend and I got back in contact and my heart rate returned to a normal pace. I thought that was so weird. Me, the one who needs no one, grew so attached that the lack of another’s presence made me sick.
I’ve always been a loner. Everyone sees me socializing but really, I cherish my solitude. I can work a crowd but nothing compares to going home and locking myself in my room to do whatever I please. There are times that I will disappear and not contact anyone; to disappear into my mind. Because sometimes, people are exhausting.
The truth is, we all need someone. And in this life, if you get more than one someone, you’re extremely lucky. And if you, like me, enjoy the quiet life, don’t be extreme about it. Maybe you’re not into large crowds and people constantly crowding your space. That’s cool. But don’t forget to check up on people when you haven’t heard from them in a long time. Go grab coffee and genuinely catch up on life.
Anyway…all that to say…don’t let your love of solitude create an unhealthy isolation bubble. No man is an island. Don’t let Xanax happen to you. Mkay?