falling in love

I was a peculiar child.

I didn’t smile at much, nor laugh at much. I was content with going to the library with my empty grocery bag and loading up on new books for my library at home. All I did was read and write in my journal everyday. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that boys even crossed my mind.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. He was awesome. We kissed every chance we got at school. It was the best infatuation ever. But he had a bad temper. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.

My next boyfriend was when I was 18. Best boyfriend ever. Very sweet and very attentive. He was my best friend. But he got in trouble with the law. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.

After that, I didn’t want any more boyfriends. I wanted to party and really express myself in college. But, I ended up with one anyway at the age of 20. I would say I was infatuated with him on and off for about six years before things became official. It lasted all of three months. He lied a lot. He had to go away too because he was a bad boy.

There were other lovers in between but I wasn’t interested in becoming serious with any of them.

Some would say that it’s clear that I don’t want to be in a relationship. They say that I act like I want to be single forever. The truth is, I think I could be single forever. It’s what comes naturally to me. But I could not live without a companion. We weren’t made to live that way.

As I am approaching my 28th year of life, I can admit that I’m a little nervous. My thoughts on love and relationships have changed. At the beginning of last year, I decided that I would give true love another try. To be open to the possibilities, the experience, the journey, the laughter and even the heartache. I decided that I would allow myself to be vulnerable, to feel everything. I’ll tell you one thing: being vulnerable has made me way more emotional than I ever thought I could be. I still can’t handle it. Oftentimes, I struggle between wanting to be completely vulnerable or nonchalant. But instead of running away from everything as I am accustomed to doing, I am choosing to feel every pain, every bit of awkwardness. I know that this will not be an easy journey for me but it also won’t be in vain.

I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship.

I mean, how is a good girlfriend supposed to act? But, how does one prepare for a relationship? Trial and error, right? Am I afraid of a good thing? Absolutely.

I’m afraid that if/when I get it, I won’t know what to do and I’ll ruin it.

What I do know is that to get new results, you have to try new things. I was closed off in all of my previous relationships. I’ve feared being hurt, embarrassed and rejected but it’s not something you can control. Love is the risk you take. This is an extremely hard lesson for me to learn but I’m getting there.

As far as love in general, I think we all want the same things. Something real and something that lasts. Someone who won’t give up on us.

I want to feel and give and love and think. I want it to be passionate. I want urgency. I want affection. I want time. I don’t want to be terrified of the work it takes to maintain a healthy, loving relationship anymore.

I don’t want to keep leaving when things get uncomfortable. I want to try. That’s all I can do, really. If we’re both trying then I think everything will be alright. At least I hope so anyway.

Photo credit: Pixabay

miss lucy