One thing I know is that no matter how good of a decision it was for me to leave, I still feel like shit. And no one will understand why. No one will understand that even still, every time I see his pictures (or hers), I feel like I want to throw up and then sleep forever. There’s no rationalizing my feelings. I just have to feel my way through the pain.
To date, this was the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. To leave my closest friend. The only man who has been a consistent factor in my life for the last damn near four years. Gosh, I sound like a broken record. Ugh. This whole healing process just seems to be taking forever. Where’s the manual? How can I skip to chapter ten or the end, fast-forward past this pity party? Until then, I’ll cry until I don’t want to. I’ll hang out by myself to clear my mind. I’ll eat magnum ice cream bars and listen to Sara Bareilles and India Arie. I will love him until I don’t.
I was lamenting to my homeboy when he hit me with some words of comfort:
Instead of chasing an idea that’s tied up in a person that no longer exists, get your mind right to focus on a person who will love you right now. Cause that ex aint that dude. To me you just want to get with a dude who feeds your spirit instead of drains your spirit. This whole ex bf thing is draining you. The point is there are ppl all over the place who would love to see you poop, and be your friend, and sex you down, and talk about God, and hold your hand, and feed you, and tell it to you straight when no one else will and all the other stuff that we need as human beings to feel fulfilled. It’s just not him now. He showed you what love was, and for this we thank him and fondly remember what was. But to him we say bye bye. You are a nice, kind, gentle, attractive, fun person with a lot of love and sick of bullshit. At some point you have to develop a low tolerance level for the bs. And shut him out of your mind until you have healed enough to have a convo with him without catching vibes.
SMH!!! Can the church (and all of my close friends who are tired of hearing this story) say AMEN?! His words meant SO MUCH to me. I cried and I’m ready to let it go, again. Sick of writing about this shit, lol. Leaving it in 2011. Attempting to open my heart again in 2012. Hello.