Ok so, you know all those crazy things people say about how you’ll feel when you fall in love? How it’ll feel like your vagina lays at the balls of your feet every time you see him? Or how she’ll make you smile like when Kevin Hart saw Beyonce?
Well, at least to me.
Love to me has never been about the fuzzy feelings. Watching my parents, I observed a love that was built on a partnership. They know how to work past feelings because quite frankly, where the hell are you going anyway? Nowhere. Right. Lets make it work together.
Love to me is like the TV drama, Parenthood. It’s easily one of my favorite shows. If you can get through one episode without crying, you’re cold-blooded. Besides excellent writing (and casting), I feel like the producers did an amazing job portraying what love is on different relationship levels, be it between family members, spouse or dating. They don’t show you what the romantic comedies show; they keep it real. And the truth is, sometimes loves says, “I love you, but I don’t like you right now. Leave me alone.” Sometimes love also says, “I hate you and I wish you never came into my life.” It’s not that we mean those things, but sometimes, we say things in anger because we want the other person to feel our pain.
“I hope you never have to know what it feels like to love someone and then find out that it’s not enough.” People Like Us
Believing in love means also understanding that [sometimes] things can end. That’s the reality that I’m struggling to accept. If I love you, that’s pretty much it for me. I’ve decided to have those feelings for you. I’m not gonna wake up and no longer love you.
I don’t like to get too detailed here about my love life (or lack thereof) because there’s no point in it. Most people are only curious, never really interested. And the ones that are interested, aren’t my type. Yeah, I’ve loved a bad boy or two in my life. It was the thrill, the intensity.
There’s nothing like a man whose intentions coincide with his deeds though. A man who follows through.
There’s nothing like a man whose goal is to make you feel like although you’re a complete nut case 99% of the time, he can’t get enough of you.
Or your stank morning breath.
Or your endless ramblings.
Or your perfect imperfections.
Call me crazy, but I want someone who helps me reveal the things that make me afraid. Makes me question, make me think! And as terrible as it may sound, make me mad. To me, that shows me you care. It tells me that you have my best interests at heart. I’ll know that you challenging me means you want to grow with me.
So don’t give me that mushy kind of love. That love that brings flowers every anniversary and date nights every third Sunday of the month. Don’t give me that kind of love that takes inconspicuous photos for Instagram. Don’t give me that smothering “I can’t live without you” love. Because I can live without you.
I want a love that shows up when he says he will. I want a love that claims me as his own. I want a love that is sturdy and built to last. I want a love that remembers to romance me; to make me feel desirable. I want a love that assures me that I am enough. I want a love that is quiet and patient and understanding.
I want a love that gives me peace when all around me is chaotic. I can be sure that this love will keep me safe.
Make me believe.
Until then, the only thing I know how to do when it comes to love is break my heart. And that’s fine with me. A broken heart eventually mends.
It’s all a learning process, this love thing. I’m in it for the long haul.